Yesterday I noticed a Facebook memory that was shared by an acquaintance, she posted a picture of a broken ice tray in what I am sure was an epic attempt to get some ice. This person used the phrase"retard strength" in relation to the broken tray. I am pretty good at discerning what people intend while looking past their words. But what exactly did they intend to say with this reference? I googled the phrase to see what I may be missing and I was horrified. It's an actual popular phrase where in there is literally no other way to interpret it except for the very obvious reference to the super power strength that individuals who have a cognitive disability show when they reach crisis level frustration because they do not understand what is going on or are afraid and confused. The reference brings to my mind pained memories of calming down children who lash out in confusion. I wrote the following in a private message in response to this person's Facebook post, let's spread the word to end the word.
My own daughter has a cognitive disability and there is nothing funny about the remains of items that get broken in melt downs. There is nothing funny that should apply to the crisis response of any person who has reached such a stage of escalation that their adrenaline gives them pure strength. The part that people seem to find funny is that they are referring to other people who do not have the cognitive capacity to calm down or feel safe or to stop themselves before they do damage. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING good or funny about the embarrassment and regret when an individual realizes what they have done. As a support person, there is nothing applicable in the phrase and they way it is used that describes what it is like to be the person who is on the other end of the "retard strength" keeping everyone safe.
But.... there is a source of pride in the phrase "retard strength" - it does not apply to an ice tray. Let me tell you about true "retard strength". There is strength that sustains a person who is put down by the world over and over again. There is strength in learning to navigate everyday routines and tasks and to learn to do those things in a way that works for you. There is strength in every single hard-won victory and there is strength in all of the failed attempts of victories yet to come. There is strength in advocacy when someone stands up against demeaning phrases that would never ever be tolerated in any other setting when used against any other group of people. You would not tolerate a demeaning reference to women or a racial minority and I will not tolerate such references against folks who have more legitimate inner strength than most people will ever know. If you were ever wondering about what true retard strength is.... I proudly have "retard strength". I have spent every moment along side my child - coordinating, arranging, cheering, hoping, praying, advocating, worrying, celebrating, teaching, crying... we have retard strength and it has absolutely nothing to do with an ice tray or any of the references made when this phrase is used.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
New Adventures on the horizon - part 1
I write to capture this journey.
I write to reflect and never lose this moment.
I write because the ripple may reach someone somewhere and be helpful in some way.
Due to confidentiality and respect I cannot disclose many of the intimate details that brought me to this place but I will give a general overview because it is crucial to this testimony. Some time ago I met a child in my city and had the blessing to connect with this child. The child is from a place beyond my imagination in the very worst ways and to be very honest I really had to take some weeks bordering on months to wrap my head around the magnitude of damage that I saw. It took me a couple of months to confess to God that I felt mad at Him.
Why does humanity destroy children?!
Why did God let this happen?
Where was God? Where is God still while other children continue to "live" in agony?
I see the news, I see pictures and stories all over the world and I was content to pray for them and believe that God is with all of his children and somehow he protects them...
Except that here is this child in my arms and in my heart and from what I can see, there was no divine protection from the world.
At first I drew away from God and I tried to reconcile it in my mind. I didn't mean to draw away but I just felt so overwhelmed by compassion and heart break and I felt like God was deafeningly silent.
It wasn't until I confessed my anger and just let it flow openly and poured my heart out to God (yes in anger) that the silence was broken at last.
In true God style, the answer was beyond my wildest imagination.
God first brought to my mind the last time I questioned his goodness and his presence. Only one other time in my entire life have I ever asked God "why".
My sweet Drew was in the hospital 12 years ago and during a long stint in the ICU, I broke down during a procedure that Drew had to endure without sedation. This sweet innocent helpless soul endured so much pain and I questioned God. I challenged Him. I wanted to fight Him.... He laid upon my heart an answer that I had tucked away until now.
Instead of "why us?" I should be asking "why are we chosen to persevere through this and how will HE use it?"
God added one more tag to that answer for my most recent outcry, he also laid upon my heart Job 38:4 "Where were you when I created the foundations of the Earth..." and to expand upon that "Where are you in your faith that you think that I'm [God] not there?"
So I prayed and waited and was humbled and repentant. Until...
April 23, 2017 - I woke up on this cool Sunday morning with the unquenchable fire to seek God. To go to Africa specifically and to seek him outside of my own perspecitive on a short term mission. To see him in the rawest of faith and to find him in the most humble of places. To see my questions outside of the context in which I asked them and yet see some small portion of God in the midst of pain and chaos.
I don't know when. I don't know where. I don't know how. I don't know who.... I do know that the more I study in the word and the more I pray, the more I realize that all of my trials and my victories - they were His trials and victories and this mission is one of the reasons for all of that.
Now, I'm not flying completely blind. I've spoken to my Pastor and I have made some connections in the mission field. I'm just waiting and praying and preparring for His timing and ultimate destination.
I ask for your prayers and I hope God willing that this journey can be used not only to seek him and find him, not only for the fruit of the mission itself, but to maybe be of some use to even one person who may be asking a lot of difficult questions and not realizing that those questions and those trials are actually a call to serve.
I write to reflect and never lose this moment.
I write because the ripple may reach someone somewhere and be helpful in some way.
Due to confidentiality and respect I cannot disclose many of the intimate details that brought me to this place but I will give a general overview because it is crucial to this testimony. Some time ago I met a child in my city and had the blessing to connect with this child. The child is from a place beyond my imagination in the very worst ways and to be very honest I really had to take some weeks bordering on months to wrap my head around the magnitude of damage that I saw. It took me a couple of months to confess to God that I felt mad at Him.
Why does humanity destroy children?!
Why did God let this happen?
Where was God? Where is God still while other children continue to "live" in agony?
I see the news, I see pictures and stories all over the world and I was content to pray for them and believe that God is with all of his children and somehow he protects them...
Except that here is this child in my arms and in my heart and from what I can see, there was no divine protection from the world.
At first I drew away from God and I tried to reconcile it in my mind. I didn't mean to draw away but I just felt so overwhelmed by compassion and heart break and I felt like God was deafeningly silent.
It wasn't until I confessed my anger and just let it flow openly and poured my heart out to God (yes in anger) that the silence was broken at last.
In true God style, the answer was beyond my wildest imagination.
God first brought to my mind the last time I questioned his goodness and his presence. Only one other time in my entire life have I ever asked God "why".
My sweet Drew was in the hospital 12 years ago and during a long stint in the ICU, I broke down during a procedure that Drew had to endure without sedation. This sweet innocent helpless soul endured so much pain and I questioned God. I challenged Him. I wanted to fight Him.... He laid upon my heart an answer that I had tucked away until now.
Instead of "why us?" I should be asking "why are we chosen to persevere through this and how will HE use it?"
God added one more tag to that answer for my most recent outcry, he also laid upon my heart Job 38:4 "Where were you when I created the foundations of the Earth..." and to expand upon that "Where are you in your faith that you think that I'm [God] not there?"
So I prayed and waited and was humbled and repentant. Until...
April 23, 2017 - I woke up on this cool Sunday morning with the unquenchable fire to seek God. To go to Africa specifically and to seek him outside of my own perspecitive on a short term mission. To see him in the rawest of faith and to find him in the most humble of places. To see my questions outside of the context in which I asked them and yet see some small portion of God in the midst of pain and chaos.
I don't know when. I don't know where. I don't know how. I don't know who.... I do know that the more I study in the word and the more I pray, the more I realize that all of my trials and my victories - they were His trials and victories and this mission is one of the reasons for all of that.
Now, I'm not flying completely blind. I've spoken to my Pastor and I have made some connections in the mission field. I'm just waiting and praying and preparring for His timing and ultimate destination.
I ask for your prayers and I hope God willing that this journey can be used not only to seek him and find him, not only for the fruit of the mission itself, but to maybe be of some use to even one person who may be asking a lot of difficult questions and not realizing that those questions and those trials are actually a call to serve.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
God is answering my prayers with a.... DOG?!?!
For the duration of my entire life I have wanted more than anything to be good enough. I have an idea in my head of what is good enough and I almost never reach this idealization. Once in a while I have a glimpse that I am what I should be... I have noticed in my adult life that this always occurs when I give up my ideals and focus on God and just doing the next right things one step at a time. I have learned with time and experience that many women feel this way. We tend to compare our worst inside feelings to the best of what we see on the outside of other people. I have learned through trial and error what it means to really live the spirit filled life and to lean into the Lord. But... I'm human and I'm I have some areas that really need to grow and I tend to fall away from this blessed path over time.... and time and again. Don't worry, I am repentant but I also understand that this is typical for being human and well documented through the Bible.
I have been praying for God to show me in a real and literal way what I need to do to keep growing. I know in my heart that I need to stay in the word and to keep living the truths I know in my heart but somehow in this recent spiritual winter I have been missing the real radical presence with life application that I crave with all my heart. I WANT A ROAD MAP!!!! Yes, I know that's now how it works. God is a radical presence but we don't get a road map.
As I reflect on these deep thoughts I looked back through my prayer journal and my "ah-ha" moments. I noticed a pattern and I saw that once again I have fallen away from what I need.
I have the answer I need.
How do I get back on track and really seek the Lord with a heart that is willing to follow and learn and submit?
The pattern I saw was that I have have countless moments where I realize that if God wanted me anywhere else he could have put me in those places. I have had several realizations that I just need to be present in the moment. I need to stop comparing my worst to others' best. I need to just be content and not even worry about the next right thing when this moment is not over. This seemingly small step could really go a long way toward some areas I really need to grow in; patience, peace, self-control, grace... just to name a few.
So I pray and and I seek and I wait and I keep going in circles.... until one day I realize that I have started a project that addresses all of those struggles I just described. I think God has facilitated something in my life that is so meaningful that I can't give up and forces me to live in the moment and to concentrate on what is presently going on.
As you know we have a cute Daniff (Great Dane/ Mastiff) puppy. He is a little over 3 months old and we are just a few days past our 2 month milestone into this journey. I haven't slept through the night in 2 months and 3 days. Our world revolves around him right now. We are training him as a service dog for Faith. It's a long journey and we have already had our speed bumps but we're committed and we really believe that this is the best for our child and so we won't stop and we will give everything we can to making this work.
Part of our process is puppy training. We have committed to 2+ years of regular training with high standards. As usual I have an idea in my head of what this should look like and where we should be and what we should be doing. Our dog trainer over the course of a few sessions has said some things that really resonate with me and force me to realize that once again I am missing in this present moment. She said that one of the reasons she loves dogs is because they only have this moment right now. They don't know or care that last week they could sit and walk through the mall perfectly. Today, right now, he can't walk through the mall perfectly. When we see others around us and it looks like they are doing so well and their dog sits even when you are hopping up and down with distractions while I am still using a food lure to encourage my dog to make a good choice.... it doesn't matter is I'm comparing our worst to their best. We have not made progress and will not make progress until I am present only in this moment with the dog and we work through what needs to be done together.
My to-do lists don't matter. My check lists of training skills and my long-term plans are meaningless in this moment. The work lists and the IEPs to be written, the dishes, the laundry, the next appointment, the next sports activity, the homework that is due, the chaos... all of it... does not have meaning unless it is what I am doing right now. It's a skill I have never learned. to practice this feels like ice skating for the first time. That dog will not learn and we can not serve our child until I am forced to practice being present in the moment with this animal when we are working.
Could it be that God has taken this journey in such a place in my life that it not only benefits Faith but also teaches me a skill I never learned and impacts our world in a big way? It seems like a God thing to do and it is in keeping with how he works in our lives. Usually when we start a project or have a door open or close, it ends up teaching us so much more that just the face value of that phase. I also believe that life is what you make it. I could choose to walk away from this idea and chalk it up to being too tired. I could just have a great family pet or I could ask someone else to train the dog. I see the potential for greatness here. I see that if I take this opportunity to learn how to just focus and be present in the moment it will impact my parenting, my teaching, my attitude, and the chaos that sometimes rules my life.
Maybe when I picture my ideal scenario, I am not picturing material things or specific activities... Maybe what I seek is the peace that comes from surrendering everything else except for this moment. Maybe this dog was meant for more than Faith; maybe he has as much to teach me as we have to teach him. Everyone eventually hopefully has a moment in a season of life that defines them... Maybe this is my moment in this season of my life.
I have been praying for God to show me in a real and literal way what I need to do to keep growing. I know in my heart that I need to stay in the word and to keep living the truths I know in my heart but somehow in this recent spiritual winter I have been missing the real radical presence with life application that I crave with all my heart. I WANT A ROAD MAP!!!! Yes, I know that's now how it works. God is a radical presence but we don't get a road map.
As I reflect on these deep thoughts I looked back through my prayer journal and my "ah-ha" moments. I noticed a pattern and I saw that once again I have fallen away from what I need.
I have the answer I need.
How do I get back on track and really seek the Lord with a heart that is willing to follow and learn and submit?
The pattern I saw was that I have have countless moments where I realize that if God wanted me anywhere else he could have put me in those places. I have had several realizations that I just need to be present in the moment. I need to stop comparing my worst to others' best. I need to just be content and not even worry about the next right thing when this moment is not over. This seemingly small step could really go a long way toward some areas I really need to grow in; patience, peace, self-control, grace... just to name a few.
So I pray and and I seek and I wait and I keep going in circles.... until one day I realize that I have started a project that addresses all of those struggles I just described. I think God has facilitated something in my life that is so meaningful that I can't give up and forces me to live in the moment and to concentrate on what is presently going on.
As you know we have a cute Daniff (Great Dane/ Mastiff) puppy. He is a little over 3 months old and we are just a few days past our 2 month milestone into this journey. I haven't slept through the night in 2 months and 3 days. Our world revolves around him right now. We are training him as a service dog for Faith. It's a long journey and we have already had our speed bumps but we're committed and we really believe that this is the best for our child and so we won't stop and we will give everything we can to making this work.
Part of our process is puppy training. We have committed to 2+ years of regular training with high standards. As usual I have an idea in my head of what this should look like and where we should be and what we should be doing. Our dog trainer over the course of a few sessions has said some things that really resonate with me and force me to realize that once again I am missing in this present moment. She said that one of the reasons she loves dogs is because they only have this moment right now. They don't know or care that last week they could sit and walk through the mall perfectly. Today, right now, he can't walk through the mall perfectly. When we see others around us and it looks like they are doing so well and their dog sits even when you are hopping up and down with distractions while I am still using a food lure to encourage my dog to make a good choice.... it doesn't matter is I'm comparing our worst to their best. We have not made progress and will not make progress until I am present only in this moment with the dog and we work through what needs to be done together.
My to-do lists don't matter. My check lists of training skills and my long-term plans are meaningless in this moment. The work lists and the IEPs to be written, the dishes, the laundry, the next appointment, the next sports activity, the homework that is due, the chaos... all of it... does not have meaning unless it is what I am doing right now. It's a skill I have never learned. to practice this feels like ice skating for the first time. That dog will not learn and we can not serve our child until I am forced to practice being present in the moment with this animal when we are working.
Could it be that God has taken this journey in such a place in my life that it not only benefits Faith but also teaches me a skill I never learned and impacts our world in a big way? It seems like a God thing to do and it is in keeping with how he works in our lives. Usually when we start a project or have a door open or close, it ends up teaching us so much more that just the face value of that phase. I also believe that life is what you make it. I could choose to walk away from this idea and chalk it up to being too tired. I could just have a great family pet or I could ask someone else to train the dog. I see the potential for greatness here. I see that if I take this opportunity to learn how to just focus and be present in the moment it will impact my parenting, my teaching, my attitude, and the chaos that sometimes rules my life.
Maybe when I picture my ideal scenario, I am not picturing material things or specific activities... Maybe what I seek is the peace that comes from surrendering everything else except for this moment. Maybe this dog was meant for more than Faith; maybe he has as much to teach me as we have to teach him. Everyone eventually hopefully has a moment in a season of life that defines them... Maybe this is my moment in this season of my life.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
my two cents on a very controversial subject
I am the parent of 3 children.
My oldest is neurochemically atypical. I with my special ed degrees and 16 years of experience feel that he shares characteristics of a person with very high functioning Asperger's and ADHD. The neuropsych team felt that he has anxiety and sensory processing disorder with ADHD (like Asperger's?). Tomato, tomatoe... Either way I have a need for a highly structured environment in my home, I have to explain things in literal black & white terms, and state all of my expectations clearly in small steps right now in order to give my son the tools he needs to build the tools for adulthood.
My daughter is affected by hypotonic cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy is a stroke that occurs before, during, or shortly after birth resulting in a muscular abnormality present since birth that doesn't get better and doesn't get worse. The muscle function may get better or worse but the overall make up of the muscles is not degenerative and isn't going to magically get better.
These disorders are not related, I could not have landed with 2 disabilities that are further apart. the Autism spectrum may have genetic components but as far as I know there isn't a family history of this... not granted I don't know half of my husband's genetic history and I don't know half of my Nana's genetic history, and I really don't know about much of half of my own family medical history.
I get asked more often than you might realize, "what caused this?"
"did you get sick when you were pregnant?"
-----Yes, everyone gets sick when they're pregnant, I even took antibiotics (GASP!)
"did you vaccinate your kids?"
-----Yes, I vaccinated all of the children. Their behavior did not change after vaccination and if the chemicals had any sort of interaction in their brains then I genuinely feel that my son would have eventually presented with these characteristics even if I had chosen not to vaccinate.
"were you on meds when you were pregnant?"
-----Yes, all of my small fetuses were exposed to medicine approved by authorities of western medicine.
"were there birth complications?"
-----No, there weren't any valid birth complications. If the cause were birth complications then Cole would have had CP and Faith and Davin would have been typical. Cole was born via unplanned c-section.
"did you do anything that you haven't asked forgiveness for?"
-----No, I don't think any of my sinful behavior caused any of the disabilities present in my family.
We all sin, if this were how the world works there would be no typical people to compare my kids to. Jesus paid for my sins, my kids don't have to pay for my sins.
Here's my opinion on why my children were born with some different needs:
I'm lucky!!!
Seriously, we live in a broken freaking world with chemicals in our food that we as a species really haven't seen until this last century. We live in a world where people get cancer, they die too young, we have disease, famine, and loss all around us. Our world has this whole environmental thing going on and we haven't had the tools long enough to study how our actions will impact our world or if global warming is simply a natural cycle that we (people) haven't been around long enough to see. come full circle.
I'm sure there's a little bit of everything mixed into the truth that we haven't found.
So... I don't consider these disabilities a tragedy (that's another blog). I don't think there is any one cause for how my children are made up. I know that I believe in the truths in the Bible which says say God knew my kids before they were in my womb and I know that God knew every challenge they would face. Every child has a unique contribution to this world and if I didn't have a daughter with cerebral palsy who is going to be a princess when she grows up, or a son who sees everything very literally and will be a great leader when he's an adult, or another son who loves to dress in his Sunday best every day and wants to play bagpipes and be a chef then my world would be vastly different. My kids just like your kids add something to the world that would be missing if they were any different. They've taught me lessons about myself and how I look at things, they light the room with their smiles. Each person adds something to life that no one else can fill.
I'm really ok to accept that there isn't a "cause" for a disability. I have never felt like a disability is a disability, it's simply a different way to contribute to life. I accept that these lives are perfectly and wonderfully made out of my control and I alone did not influence their abilities or disabilities. I'm writing this because I hope that someday this way of looking at abilities will be adopted by more people and maybe we can embrace disabilities and empower people to contribute to our world in any way they can.
My oldest is neurochemically atypical. I with my special ed degrees and 16 years of experience feel that he shares characteristics of a person with very high functioning Asperger's and ADHD. The neuropsych team felt that he has anxiety and sensory processing disorder with ADHD (like Asperger's?). Tomato, tomatoe... Either way I have a need for a highly structured environment in my home, I have to explain things in literal black & white terms, and state all of my expectations clearly in small steps right now in order to give my son the tools he needs to build the tools for adulthood.
My daughter is affected by hypotonic cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy is a stroke that occurs before, during, or shortly after birth resulting in a muscular abnormality present since birth that doesn't get better and doesn't get worse. The muscle function may get better or worse but the overall make up of the muscles is not degenerative and isn't going to magically get better.
These disorders are not related, I could not have landed with 2 disabilities that are further apart. the Autism spectrum may have genetic components but as far as I know there isn't a family history of this... not granted I don't know half of my husband's genetic history and I don't know half of my Nana's genetic history, and I really don't know about much of half of my own family medical history.
I get asked more often than you might realize, "what caused this?"
"did you get sick when you were pregnant?"
-----Yes, everyone gets sick when they're pregnant, I even took antibiotics (GASP!)
"did you vaccinate your kids?"
-----Yes, I vaccinated all of the children. Their behavior did not change after vaccination and if the chemicals had any sort of interaction in their brains then I genuinely feel that my son would have eventually presented with these characteristics even if I had chosen not to vaccinate.
-----Yes, all of my small fetuses were exposed to medicine approved by authorities of western medicine.
"were there birth complications?"
-----No, there weren't any valid birth complications. If the cause were birth complications then Cole would have had CP and Faith and Davin would have been typical. Cole was born via unplanned c-section.
"did you do anything that you haven't asked forgiveness for?"
-----No, I don't think any of my sinful behavior caused any of the disabilities present in my family.
We all sin, if this were how the world works there would be no typical people to compare my kids to. Jesus paid for my sins, my kids don't have to pay for my sins.
Here's my opinion on why my children were born with some different needs:
I'm lucky!!!
Seriously, we live in a broken freaking world with chemicals in our food that we as a species really haven't seen until this last century. We live in a world where people get cancer, they die too young, we have disease, famine, and loss all around us. Our world has this whole environmental thing going on and we haven't had the tools long enough to study how our actions will impact our world or if global warming is simply a natural cycle that we (people) haven't been around long enough to see. come full circle.
I'm sure there's a little bit of everything mixed into the truth that we haven't found.
So... I don't consider these disabilities a tragedy (that's another blog). I don't think there is any one cause for how my children are made up. I know that I believe in the truths in the Bible which says say God knew my kids before they were in my womb and I know that God knew every challenge they would face. Every child has a unique contribution to this world and if I didn't have a daughter with cerebral palsy who is going to be a princess when she grows up, or a son who sees everything very literally and will be a great leader when he's an adult, or another son who loves to dress in his Sunday best every day and wants to play bagpipes and be a chef then my world would be vastly different. My kids just like your kids add something to the world that would be missing if they were any different. They've taught me lessons about myself and how I look at things, they light the room with their smiles. Each person adds something to life that no one else can fill.
I'm really ok to accept that there isn't a "cause" for a disability. I have never felt like a disability is a disability, it's simply a different way to contribute to life. I accept that these lives are perfectly and wonderfully made out of my control and I alone did not influence their abilities or disabilities. I'm writing this because I hope that someday this way of looking at abilities will be adopted by more people and maybe we can embrace disabilities and empower people to contribute to our world in any way they can.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
a life verse for me
I am doing this online bible study, it's based on a book called "A Mended Heart". I've just finished chapter 4 and while I have gleaned quite a bit, I don't think I'm to the part where I personally have found mending.
One of the emails that they sent out had a guide for finding your life verse. I have had a few of these verses in my lifetime and while I wasn't raised in the word as much as a lot of people I can tell you the top 3 verses the Lord has given me even when I didn't have the word or before I was mature enough to spend time each day in God's word.
I'm going to have a milestone birthday tomorrow, July 3rd. I'm going to be 30. Gone are my twenties and while there were some great times (like my wedding and the birth of my children), and losing weight was a lot easier. Frankly, aside from the number I'm happy to see what this new decade will bring me and I thought I should approach it with an open heart and go ahead and try their life verse system to get off on the right start.
They had a cute PDF and I just used the comment feature in adobe to write directly on it,
Step 1: write down what you need from God.
Step 2: what are your strengths and passions?
Step 3: what central themes do you see out of those two things (in hindsight I could have used a venn diagram) :-)
Step 4: They recommended a search in bible gateway with those key words and for you to pray about the verses that stand out to you. You could use the concordance in the back of your bible if you aren't in to the online thing.
Step 5: pick a verse and make it personal, You can verse map it, post it around you, pray about it, look at the context for sure, make it personal and something that sticks in your mind that you can go to when you just need an anchor.
Well, I searched and searched and I looked at my key words. I found many beautiful verses. Some new, and some familiar; all of them spoke something to me. None of them stood out as something that really made the bigger picture that would be an anchor. They just represent something I see in this season of my life which is great but not what I was praying for in a life verse.
I went back to some of my old favorites, verses that have stuck with me through the years and have really been what I needed when I needed to hear it.
Proverbs 3:5 - the first verse I ever memorized! I was 10 when I memorized this verse. This verse was my "go-to" as a baby Christian, When I was a small child I had a lot of confusing hurtful times and they all came to a head when I was in high school. It was truly the darkest time in my life and it took some year to heal and and come to a place where I can embrace it all. If didn't know much but I did know that God knows more than me and if I just kept walking and trusting beyond my own understanding, somehow I would be ok. I couldn't have backed it up in a theological discussion but my heart knew it's truth and that was good enough.
Hebrews 12:1 - As a parent and as a wife and a Christian woman in this world sometimes life feels like a marathon. With the kids especially... I have compared many times having a child with special needs to running a marathon. Now I have never run 26.2 miles all at once but I have actually run 13.1 miles 4 times in 4 weeks. I can give some awesome comparisons and I'm pretty sure somewhere in this blog I have discussed it once or twice.
...and finally, and oldie but a goodie that I have concluded really is my life verse-
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - Over the years, it was my rock when I was going through those years of healing and finding peace with some of my childhood. It was taped inside the cabinet of our first home and I looked at it every day as a new mom and cried and prayed this verse as we lost income and eventually lost everything including the house. It always somehow had a literal application and I always needed it for something along the way. I feel sometimes that God has just given me a lot of opportunities to grow in my life. he's given me a multitude of blessings and always provision but also an equal amount of times when I walked through some heat in order to me made better.
This morning though as I read through the whole chapter around this verse I saw it in a new light. I've read the context before but I was really praying and reflecting and wanting to see things differently. Like any great life verse I see different layers of it in different seasons of life and here is what I discovered this morning-
Paul wrote Corinthians, in chapter 12 we come in and he is talking about how he has seen Jesus and he was there when he ascended and there are things he doesn't understand but this experience and knowing Jesus is worth bragging about. He says there is nothing for him to brag about for himself except the times when he was weak because he was made strong by Jesus and that is worth bragging about. In verses 7-8 he talks about the thorn in his side and how three times he asked it to be removed but how God told him that it was through this thorn that he was being used and blessed. As I prayed and reflected on this I was reminded that this verse is not only great for encouragement when you're walking through trials but also a great reminder of what God has brought you through and how even though your past may be difficult, it's worth bragging about.
In this new decade of my life and new season of my life - now being gainfully employed, having a career, my children being school-aged (agh!), and having hope of buying a home again in the near future and having this fresh start feeling- I feel like this verse serves as a different kind of anchor; it is a reminder to be thankful for things good and bad and to not just feel good that those trials are over but to in fact be boastful for how we have come through these things because that's how awesome our God is!
We're going to have thorns, I still have an auto-immune disease that doesn't have a name that keeps me close to God - every day when I wake up I think that whatever God wants me to get done today, he will make it so and I can only do it with him and we get a lot done!
Birthdays are what you make them, all things in life are what you make them; I choose to use this birthday to reflect and feel boastful about the last 30 years and this crazy awesome roller coaster ride with God at the controls.
and so...
God reminds us when we think of walking through trials "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delightin weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
One of the emails that they sent out had a guide for finding your life verse. I have had a few of these verses in my lifetime and while I wasn't raised in the word as much as a lot of people I can tell you the top 3 verses the Lord has given me even when I didn't have the word or before I was mature enough to spend time each day in God's word.
I'm going to have a milestone birthday tomorrow, July 3rd. I'm going to be 30. Gone are my twenties and while there were some great times (like my wedding and the birth of my children), and losing weight was a lot easier. Frankly, aside from the number I'm happy to see what this new decade will bring me and I thought I should approach it with an open heart and go ahead and try their life verse system to get off on the right start.
They had a cute PDF and I just used the comment feature in adobe to write directly on it,
Step 1: write down what you need from God.
Step 2: what are your strengths and passions?
Step 3: what central themes do you see out of those two things (in hindsight I could have used a venn diagram) :-)
Step 4: They recommended a search in bible gateway with those key words and for you to pray about the verses that stand out to you. You could use the concordance in the back of your bible if you aren't in to the online thing.
Step 5: pick a verse and make it personal, You can verse map it, post it around you, pray about it, look at the context for sure, make it personal and something that sticks in your mind that you can go to when you just need an anchor.
Well, I searched and searched and I looked at my key words. I found many beautiful verses. Some new, and some familiar; all of them spoke something to me. None of them stood out as something that really made the bigger picture that would be an anchor. They just represent something I see in this season of my life which is great but not what I was praying for in a life verse.
I went back to some of my old favorites, verses that have stuck with me through the years and have really been what I needed when I needed to hear it.
Proverbs 3:5 - the first verse I ever memorized! I was 10 when I memorized this verse. This verse was my "go-to" as a baby Christian, When I was a small child I had a lot of confusing hurtful times and they all came to a head when I was in high school. It was truly the darkest time in my life and it took some year to heal and and come to a place where I can embrace it all. If didn't know much but I did know that God knows more than me and if I just kept walking and trusting beyond my own understanding, somehow I would be ok. I couldn't have backed it up in a theological discussion but my heart knew it's truth and that was good enough.
Hebrews 12:1 - As a parent and as a wife and a Christian woman in this world sometimes life feels like a marathon. With the kids especially... I have compared many times having a child with special needs to running a marathon. Now I have never run 26.2 miles all at once but I have actually run 13.1 miles 4 times in 4 weeks. I can give some awesome comparisons and I'm pretty sure somewhere in this blog I have discussed it once or twice.
...and finally, and oldie but a goodie that I have concluded really is my life verse-
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - Over the years, it was my rock when I was going through those years of healing and finding peace with some of my childhood. It was taped inside the cabinet of our first home and I looked at it every day as a new mom and cried and prayed this verse as we lost income and eventually lost everything including the house. It always somehow had a literal application and I always needed it for something along the way. I feel sometimes that God has just given me a lot of opportunities to grow in my life. he's given me a multitude of blessings and always provision but also an equal amount of times when I walked through some heat in order to me made better.
This morning though as I read through the whole chapter around this verse I saw it in a new light. I've read the context before but I was really praying and reflecting and wanting to see things differently. Like any great life verse I see different layers of it in different seasons of life and here is what I discovered this morning-
Paul wrote Corinthians, in chapter 12 we come in and he is talking about how he has seen Jesus and he was there when he ascended and there are things he doesn't understand but this experience and knowing Jesus is worth bragging about. He says there is nothing for him to brag about for himself except the times when he was weak because he was made strong by Jesus and that is worth bragging about. In verses 7-8 he talks about the thorn in his side and how three times he asked it to be removed but how God told him that it was through this thorn that he was being used and blessed. As I prayed and reflected on this I was reminded that this verse is not only great for encouragement when you're walking through trials but also a great reminder of what God has brought you through and how even though your past may be difficult, it's worth bragging about.
In this new decade of my life and new season of my life - now being gainfully employed, having a career, my children being school-aged (agh!), and having hope of buying a home again in the near future and having this fresh start feeling- I feel like this verse serves as a different kind of anchor; it is a reminder to be thankful for things good and bad and to not just feel good that those trials are over but to in fact be boastful for how we have come through these things because that's how awesome our God is!
We're going to have thorns, I still have an auto-immune disease that doesn't have a name that keeps me close to God - every day when I wake up I think that whatever God wants me to get done today, he will make it so and I can only do it with him and we get a lot done!
Birthdays are what you make them, all things in life are what you make them; I choose to use this birthday to reflect and feel boastful about the last 30 years and this crazy awesome roller coaster ride with God at the controls.
and so...
God reminds us when we think of walking through trials "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delightin weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
a mother's day reflection
Every year I have to make a choice.
Each year my choice is based on the biblical concept that I heard in a sermon once "act first and your heart will eventually follow". Each year I am rewarded and I evolve a little more.
Mother's day has historically not been my favorite holiday. It is a painful reminder of a person who is supposed to be honored who hurt me beyond belief and beyond repair and on top of that every time I chose my mother over my step mother in hopes of earning a normal relationship she brushed aside my efforts and gave me only rejection.
I flash back to one such mother's day, I had a visitation with my mom and at school I had worked really hard on a project, it wasn't much but I put everything into it thinking that if it was good enough she would take me into her arms and never forget to come get me for visitations and never forget to feed me and she would want me and be able to take care of me and love me and not make fun of me and never hurt me somehow I could accomplish all this by coloring a paper doily with all her favorite colors for her to remember how beautiful I could make her life.
So that mother's day came and I had some other project with me but most of all for some reason I wanted her to have this colorful doily that I had painstakingly worked on and colored each little lattice with a different color. It truly was beautiful and it happens to be the only mother's day I remember sharing with my bio mom. I kept my presents a secret and on Sunday morning I made her coffee just the way she liked it, black with 3 spoonfuls of sugar. I brought her the coffee and I brought her my presents saving my treasured doily until last. She put the coffee down absent mindedly and splashed a little bit on the table and then opened one of my presents and I don't remember was it was but she put it to the side. and she opened a candle that I had made at the mall with my Nana for this occasion and she said it was pretty. I presented her with my doily and she looked at it blankly. I explained how I used all her favorite colors and how long I worked on it and how she could put it somewhere special and think of me if she wanted to. She accepted all of it and gave me a hug and said thank you, my plan was working I thought! Then as quickly as I felt happy, it all crashed. My mom is mentally ill and she's capable of switching from happy to crazy in the blink of an eye but I didn't know or understand this when I was 9. So she switched and looked at me coldly and asked me if I had packed to go home and took my doily and crumpled it and used it to wipe up the coffee that had been splashed onto to the table. She was cold for the next hour until I went back home to Boise. I cried for days and wondered what I could have done differently. I know I must have had other mother's day with her but that is the only one I can remember. That relationship with my mom never did come together, she never did become that loving involved mom who didn't hurt me.
Fast forward...
My first Mother's day was a real struggle, I had terrible PPD and then to top it all off I realized that no one had ever had ever felt for me the way I felt for my baby from the same perspective. My mother had never loved like that. God really used that time to clean out those wounds and to begin to heal them. It wasn't fun but it was a good start, As years passed I began to appreciate this day and really focus on the people who had been there for me. Becoming a mother drew me a lot closer to my step-mom and our relationship took on a whole new level which brought healing. I also was blessed to see an example of what honoring you mother looked like as I walked through this holiday with my husband and his mom. My relationship with my mother in law is great but it took a lot of work in those early days; again, mother's day began to heal some of that as I did the right thing and acted knowing eventually my heart would follow.
I have seen a lot of healing in Mother's day and have come to appreciate it as a day to honor women who have loved me as their own and been there for me.
2012- My Nana died. My world shook, even the thought of her makes me burst into tears and it's been almost 3 years since we lost her. She was the first woman who nurtured me, loved me, rocked me, saved me from unspeakable horrors, led me to the Lord, and was always on my side. So Mother's day has taken a bit of a backslide again.
Here I am; May 10, 2015 and I recite to myself all the verses that are hidden in my heart about the Lord being my heavenly parent and about God's love for me. Those verses even when I'm not feeling it are truth, and truth always conquers emotion.
SO... I make the choice to honor women who did not give birth to me but have loved me as along as they have been there for me. I make the choice to give myself permission to feel a little sad and then look at the living world and not get caught up in what I've lost. I make the choice to hug my children and remind myself that we can flip this holiday because I'm a mom and I'm not sucking at it. Each of my kids brought me treasures from school and I was delighted and very careful to show care with their gifts and show them outwardly how those gifts made me feel. I make the choice to trust that whoever I honor will accept my gifts of love as enough and know that they come from a place of love where I did my best on yet another tight budget.
I act first and then today or tomorrow my heart follows and I an overwhelmed with gratitude. I have many women who have come along side me. I don't just have one mom, I have many and I can be thankful for all of them, even those who are not with me in this season of life. My husband honors me as a wife and as the mother of his children and those amazing children who love me and write the sweetest things that show me the fruit of all of my love.
This Mother's day if you are coming from a place of pain, maybe somehow you can find a grain of truth here and cling onto it. In the end truth conquers emotion and while it's great to feel and acknowledge emotion, it is a choice to find beauty and hope in the midst of that emotion.
Each year my choice is based on the biblical concept that I heard in a sermon once "act first and your heart will eventually follow". Each year I am rewarded and I evolve a little more.
Mother's day has historically not been my favorite holiday. It is a painful reminder of a person who is supposed to be honored who hurt me beyond belief and beyond repair and on top of that every time I chose my mother over my step mother in hopes of earning a normal relationship she brushed aside my efforts and gave me only rejection.
I flash back to one such mother's day, I had a visitation with my mom and at school I had worked really hard on a project, it wasn't much but I put everything into it thinking that if it was good enough she would take me into her arms and never forget to come get me for visitations and never forget to feed me and she would want me and be able to take care of me and love me and not make fun of me and never hurt me somehow I could accomplish all this by coloring a paper doily with all her favorite colors for her to remember how beautiful I could make her life.
So that mother's day came and I had some other project with me but most of all for some reason I wanted her to have this colorful doily that I had painstakingly worked on and colored each little lattice with a different color. It truly was beautiful and it happens to be the only mother's day I remember sharing with my bio mom. I kept my presents a secret and on Sunday morning I made her coffee just the way she liked it, black with 3 spoonfuls of sugar. I brought her the coffee and I brought her my presents saving my treasured doily until last. She put the coffee down absent mindedly and splashed a little bit on the table and then opened one of my presents and I don't remember was it was but she put it to the side. and she opened a candle that I had made at the mall with my Nana for this occasion and she said it was pretty. I presented her with my doily and she looked at it blankly. I explained how I used all her favorite colors and how long I worked on it and how she could put it somewhere special and think of me if she wanted to. She accepted all of it and gave me a hug and said thank you, my plan was working I thought! Then as quickly as I felt happy, it all crashed. My mom is mentally ill and she's capable of switching from happy to crazy in the blink of an eye but I didn't know or understand this when I was 9. So she switched and looked at me coldly and asked me if I had packed to go home and took my doily and crumpled it and used it to wipe up the coffee that had been splashed onto to the table. She was cold for the next hour until I went back home to Boise. I cried for days and wondered what I could have done differently. I know I must have had other mother's day with her but that is the only one I can remember. That relationship with my mom never did come together, she never did become that loving involved mom who didn't hurt me.
Fast forward...
My first Mother's day was a real struggle, I had terrible PPD and then to top it all off I realized that no one had ever had ever felt for me the way I felt for my baby from the same perspective. My mother had never loved like that. God really used that time to clean out those wounds and to begin to heal them. It wasn't fun but it was a good start, As years passed I began to appreciate this day and really focus on the people who had been there for me. Becoming a mother drew me a lot closer to my step-mom and our relationship took on a whole new level which brought healing. I also was blessed to see an example of what honoring you mother looked like as I walked through this holiday with my husband and his mom. My relationship with my mother in law is great but it took a lot of work in those early days; again, mother's day began to heal some of that as I did the right thing and acted knowing eventually my heart would follow.
I have seen a lot of healing in Mother's day and have come to appreciate it as a day to honor women who have loved me as their own and been there for me.
2012- My Nana died. My world shook, even the thought of her makes me burst into tears and it's been almost 3 years since we lost her. She was the first woman who nurtured me, loved me, rocked me, saved me from unspeakable horrors, led me to the Lord, and was always on my side. So Mother's day has taken a bit of a backslide again.
Here I am; May 10, 2015 and I recite to myself all the verses that are hidden in my heart about the Lord being my heavenly parent and about God's love for me. Those verses even when I'm not feeling it are truth, and truth always conquers emotion.
SO... I make the choice to honor women who did not give birth to me but have loved me as along as they have been there for me. I make the choice to give myself permission to feel a little sad and then look at the living world and not get caught up in what I've lost. I make the choice to hug my children and remind myself that we can flip this holiday because I'm a mom and I'm not sucking at it. Each of my kids brought me treasures from school and I was delighted and very careful to show care with their gifts and show them outwardly how those gifts made me feel. I make the choice to trust that whoever I honor will accept my gifts of love as enough and know that they come from a place of love where I did my best on yet another tight budget.
I act first and then today or tomorrow my heart follows and I an overwhelmed with gratitude. I have many women who have come along side me. I don't just have one mom, I have many and I can be thankful for all of them, even those who are not with me in this season of life. My husband honors me as a wife and as the mother of his children and those amazing children who love me and write the sweetest things that show me the fruit of all of my love.
This Mother's day if you are coming from a place of pain, maybe somehow you can find a grain of truth here and cling onto it. In the end truth conquers emotion and while it's great to feel and acknowledge emotion, it is a choice to find beauty and hope in the midst of that emotion.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Why I'm turning into a hippie...
I was born in a generation of immediate gratification. We love our twinkies, ho-hos, and those yummy cream filled cookies that come in a box with a cute little girl name Debbie. YUM!!! Remember those delectable processed caked that were so beautiful and you could get them in a variety box, my favorite were the square ones with the white frosting and chocolate chips. YUM!!! I was greatly influenced and raised for the first 5 years by a generation that cooked everything in butter and just about anything could be solved with a warm cup of ovaltine, some sweet baked goods or a pill. Oh the memories... Most of my best memories are linked to food and mostly processed food. If food and Nana couldn't fix it then medicine could surely help. I'm surprised I'm a alive, when I was very little ages 2-5, I remember asking for medicine and popping tylenol like candy. Jesus must really love me and have purpose for my life because I have no liver damage.
My dad married this lady who over the course of 20 years I consider my mother but on our first family date I remember so clearly that she made me eat my tomatoes! YUCK! I was 5 years old and had rarely touched a vegetable. I blatantly disregarded her healthy eating habits for the majority of my life in favor of more yummy alternatives.
So here I am in the last year of my 20s. I'm heavier than I want to be, I have just finished a book by Lysa Tyrkurst called Made to Crave and a series of events have shaped my life in the past few years. My beloved Nana is gone and I attribute it to her fix it all with a pill attitude. She died of kidney failure with type 2 diabetes. She had so may prescriptions that I can't begin to remember the huge number but it was more than 15. She loved she sweets until the end and always had some on hand to offer me. IT was a wake up call but so painful that it has taken me more than 2 years to process this loss and realize how I could change. I'll be honest, I don't take medicine regularly but if I was offered some kind of pill to fix a problem I would probably take it. Because of what I have seen and lived though, I will think twice. I just have this one body and I need it for a while.
I am learning that God put everything into nature that can help me and prevent a lot of the need for medical intervention. My healthy food boundaries are not restrictive but merely a barrier meant to keep me safe and healthy. I am all for taking meds if I need them but I am learning that those needs will be less if I keep moving and put healthy things into my body.
3 years ago I saw some documentary footage + Oprah that scarred me for life and made me research and be more conscious about the foods we have and how much hormones and antibiotics are in our food. Being pretty humble in the finance department I can't afford the hormone free grass feed beef that I would like to buy for my family but one small change we made was to get hormone free milk. I subscribed to our local delivery service which gives us natural milk (not organic- that tastes funny to me) but it is hormone and antibiotic free and pleasing to me. It was a simple more affordable option for a product that we consume a lot of. The fun side of that service is that it gets delivered in there nostalgic glass bottles that make my heart happy in the missing Nana department. The sell by labels are different too which diffuses a morning battle I have with one of my kiddos who only thinks in black and white. It's really a win-win-win scenario.
How does this make me a hippie?
Another series of events have been unfolding along with my personal revelations. My son is affected by ADHD and I am in the process of navigating the waiting list with the neuropsych to test for other conditions namely Asperger's syndrome or according to the DSM V, the highest functioning end of the Autism spectrum. (Asperger's simply doesn't have the same definition or diagnosis that it used to) Recently, we were given a generous sample of essential oils blended together into something called Jeddy's blend. It was made by a lady whose son has autism and adhd, she wanted something natural to help him. I have never been a believer in natural remedies, I see that they can work and I question the placebo effect. Something seems to make sense but I just have never seen the practical effective application. Well, I was just about at my wit's end with my sweet oldest child and I figured this pil sample surely wouldn't do any harm so let's give it a try. IT CHANGED OUR LIVES!!!! I subbed it out with olive oil just to see if it was placebo effect and let me tell you olive oil does not calm a crazy child. I don't completely understand the science behind the oil and how it enters the system and how it changes behavior but I know that it works, it is absorbed through the skin best in places where there are nerve endings linked to the systems you want to affect. I jumped on to the oil bandwagon with both feet and have found various blends helpful for myself with my skin problems, my own ADHD, and those pesky hormones. It also works with sore muscles, and headaches. YAY for less chemical intervention!
Fast forward and switch kids.
I have a wonderful middle child, he's pretty typical and simply reaps the benefits of our trials and experience because by default when we makes these changes he is positively affected.
I also have a sweet little girl, she's almost 4 and she is fabulous. She does have her challenges though; she is affected by cerebral palsy and had some mild/moderate delays in all areas. Cerebral palsy is a brain injury, a stroke specifically which occurred inutero, during, or shortly after birth. I believe her stroke was inutero around month 8 and maybe related to the RSV I battled for a couple of months. Anyway, She has low tone which is a bit atypical for CP but still is challenging. Well she recently had an odd encounter with some Jello. It was red jello from the store deli. Anywhere on her skin that it touched was raised and red and itchy, she said she felt funny and her tummy hurt. I gave her some benedryl and called the doc. Apparently this is common because he knew the Jello was red with out me telling him and apparently it can happen anytime. huh... who knew? No more red food dye for our sweet girl.
As I was researching this whole red food dye allergy I learned some things. The FDA has investigated Red 40 for behavior problems in children. It is increasingly more common to have reactions to it as the consumption increases. it has been linked to cancer in mice but no one has done a study for humans that I have seen. Apparently it comes from a beetle and because of this it is considered natural and highly unregulated and this accounts for the reason that you can go your whole life and suddenly have a problem, different concentrations and formulas do different things but they aren't tracked because they're natural. -oh by the way it's in a LOT of stuff! Given we have a child with behavior issues and another who has a sensitivity to red dye, we have cut out food dye.
So here I am, a girl who loved her processed food and those delicious cakes that never expire. I'm learning to love veggies and eat far less carbs and almost no simple sugar, I use alternative health treatments and have decreased our dependence synthetic medicine, and we don't eat food dye. This from my background makes me think I might be turning into one of those health crazed hippie natural people. It wasn't an overnight transformation; I have seen people I love around me make these changes, those seeds have been planted for years. I am hoping these changes now will nourish my children and plant better seeds for them in their future.
My dad married this lady who over the course of 20 years I consider my mother but on our first family date I remember so clearly that she made me eat my tomatoes! YUCK! I was 5 years old and had rarely touched a vegetable. I blatantly disregarded her healthy eating habits for the majority of my life in favor of more yummy alternatives.
So here I am in the last year of my 20s. I'm heavier than I want to be, I have just finished a book by Lysa Tyrkurst called Made to Crave and a series of events have shaped my life in the past few years. My beloved Nana is gone and I attribute it to her fix it all with a pill attitude. She died of kidney failure with type 2 diabetes. She had so may prescriptions that I can't begin to remember the huge number but it was more than 15. She loved she sweets until the end and always had some on hand to offer me. IT was a wake up call but so painful that it has taken me more than 2 years to process this loss and realize how I could change. I'll be honest, I don't take medicine regularly but if I was offered some kind of pill to fix a problem I would probably take it. Because of what I have seen and lived though, I will think twice. I just have this one body and I need it for a while.
I am learning that God put everything into nature that can help me and prevent a lot of the need for medical intervention. My healthy food boundaries are not restrictive but merely a barrier meant to keep me safe and healthy. I am all for taking meds if I need them but I am learning that those needs will be less if I keep moving and put healthy things into my body.
3 years ago I saw some documentary footage + Oprah that scarred me for life and made me research and be more conscious about the foods we have and how much hormones and antibiotics are in our food. Being pretty humble in the finance department I can't afford the hormone free grass feed beef that I would like to buy for my family but one small change we made was to get hormone free milk. I subscribed to our local delivery service which gives us natural milk (not organic- that tastes funny to me) but it is hormone and antibiotic free and pleasing to me. It was a simple more affordable option for a product that we consume a lot of. The fun side of that service is that it gets delivered in there nostalgic glass bottles that make my heart happy in the missing Nana department. The sell by labels are different too which diffuses a morning battle I have with one of my kiddos who only thinks in black and white. It's really a win-win-win scenario.
How does this make me a hippie?
Another series of events have been unfolding along with my personal revelations. My son is affected by ADHD and I am in the process of navigating the waiting list with the neuropsych to test for other conditions namely Asperger's syndrome or according to the DSM V, the highest functioning end of the Autism spectrum. (Asperger's simply doesn't have the same definition or diagnosis that it used to) Recently, we were given a generous sample of essential oils blended together into something called Jeddy's blend. It was made by a lady whose son has autism and adhd, she wanted something natural to help him. I have never been a believer in natural remedies, I see that they can work and I question the placebo effect. Something seems to make sense but I just have never seen the practical effective application. Well, I was just about at my wit's end with my sweet oldest child and I figured this pil sample surely wouldn't do any harm so let's give it a try. IT CHANGED OUR LIVES!!!! I subbed it out with olive oil just to see if it was placebo effect and let me tell you olive oil does not calm a crazy child. I don't completely understand the science behind the oil and how it enters the system and how it changes behavior but I know that it works, it is absorbed through the skin best in places where there are nerve endings linked to the systems you want to affect. I jumped on to the oil bandwagon with both feet and have found various blends helpful for myself with my skin problems, my own ADHD, and those pesky hormones. It also works with sore muscles, and headaches. YAY for less chemical intervention!
Fast forward and switch kids.
I have a wonderful middle child, he's pretty typical and simply reaps the benefits of our trials and experience because by default when we makes these changes he is positively affected.
I also have a sweet little girl, she's almost 4 and she is fabulous. She does have her challenges though; she is affected by cerebral palsy and had some mild/moderate delays in all areas. Cerebral palsy is a brain injury, a stroke specifically which occurred inutero, during, or shortly after birth. I believe her stroke was inutero around month 8 and maybe related to the RSV I battled for a couple of months. Anyway, She has low tone which is a bit atypical for CP but still is challenging. Well she recently had an odd encounter with some Jello. It was red jello from the store deli. Anywhere on her skin that it touched was raised and red and itchy, she said she felt funny and her tummy hurt. I gave her some benedryl and called the doc. Apparently this is common because he knew the Jello was red with out me telling him and apparently it can happen anytime. huh... who knew? No more red food dye for our sweet girl.
As I was researching this whole red food dye allergy I learned some things. The FDA has investigated Red 40 for behavior problems in children. It is increasingly more common to have reactions to it as the consumption increases. it has been linked to cancer in mice but no one has done a study for humans that I have seen. Apparently it comes from a beetle and because of this it is considered natural and highly unregulated and this accounts for the reason that you can go your whole life and suddenly have a problem, different concentrations and formulas do different things but they aren't tracked because they're natural. -oh by the way it's in a LOT of stuff! Given we have a child with behavior issues and another who has a sensitivity to red dye, we have cut out food dye.
So here I am, a girl who loved her processed food and those delicious cakes that never expire. I'm learning to love veggies and eat far less carbs and almost no simple sugar, I use alternative health treatments and have decreased our dependence synthetic medicine, and we don't eat food dye. This from my background makes me think I might be turning into one of those health crazed hippie natural people. It wasn't an overnight transformation; I have seen people I love around me make these changes, those seeds have been planted for years. I am hoping these changes now will nourish my children and plant better seeds for them in their future.
Monday, January 19, 2015
...and you thought you'd never run a marathon
What requires endurance, perseverance, patience, and a strong will?
The answer is marathons and life.
A couple of years ago I ran 4 half marathons in four weeks. That experience taught me more than I can say, I still refer back to it as I encounter different seasons in my life. I got up early and I trained. I ran through pain, and mud, and rain, and dust, and sun, and even snow. The first 3 miles were brutal because my body wasn't used to it, miles 5-8 were pretty good; and miles 9-13 were excruciating. There were times in the middle of my runs (especially in training) when I would think "am I done yet? where am I running?!" It took a while but I learned to embrace those runs, I could think, cry, get out all my frustrations, and even praise God.
Fast forward 2 years... I blew out my ACL a year ago, I'm signed up for a race this coming June; 5 miles and 15 obstacles. If you don't finish an obstacle you have to do 30 burpees to progress through the race which means I will be running 5 miles and doing 450 burpees.
What is a burpee?
http://www.spartancoaches.com/spartan-group-exercise-fitness-test.php
I also plan to try to run those half marathons again.
If you are a runner, you probably have drawn these conclusions on your own. If you are not a runner, this might be of some interest.
As I think about this training process for my upcoming race, I also have been reflecting on the last two years since I trained for a run.
There have been times when I have thought to myself "I'm tired"
As a woman, I want so much to be a proverbs 31 woman and I live in a modern world with mixed messages, I find myself feeling not good enough and it is a constant process to defeat those lies and embrace that I am perfectly and wonderfully made.
As a mom, I get tired of cleaning only to turn around and see a brand new mess courtesy of one my "helpers".
Having a child with special needs; I get tired of constantly dealing with the system that ultimately blesses her but everything you do to get tools for your child is a constant unrelenting process.
As a professional entering a career and coming out of college, I feel defeated by myself and frustrated at the learning process because I feel like I should already know what I need to know and yet I have a lot to learn.
Then... once in a while something comes along and makes it all worth it. Today I had an epiphany and it was my "worth it" moment.
At this point a couple of bible verses come to mind:
Hebrews 12:1 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
Psalm 30:5 - For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.
My training in running is exactly the same process I use in my life; endurance, perseverance, patience, a strong will, and leaning into my faith and knowing I don't have to have all the answers.
I stumble and I fall and I go off course and sometimes I cramp up but just as in real life running I make the choice to get up off the ground and I take the next step. I have to make sure I am prepared for my race everyday and when I am under-prepared I sure feel it!
When you are training for a race, you have to have lots of water, rest, protein, a balanced diet, electrolytes, good shoes, discipline, and a support system or training partner.
My ingredients for my life race are time in the word, rest, a well balanced routine, a sense of humor, mental preparedness for my day, discipline, and an awesome support system, and a great partner. When I'm tired and run down and the marathon before me seems endless, it's because I'm missing one of my tools.
How many times have you been through a season in your life when you felt like you were constantly trying and needed endurance, perseverance, patience, and a strong will? I have many of these areas, some are a lifelong marathon and some are ending with another life race on the horizon. Whether you are physically able to run 26.2 miles or not, you are in a marathon! Congratulations on your race!
The bible makes yet another reference to life as a marathon and says we are to finish well.
2 Timothy 4:7 says I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
I encourage you to read that whole chapter in context.
Keep running your race my friends :-)
The answer is marathons and life.
A couple of years ago I ran 4 half marathons in four weeks. That experience taught me more than I can say, I still refer back to it as I encounter different seasons in my life. I got up early and I trained. I ran through pain, and mud, and rain, and dust, and sun, and even snow. The first 3 miles were brutal because my body wasn't used to it, miles 5-8 were pretty good; and miles 9-13 were excruciating. There were times in the middle of my runs (especially in training) when I would think "am I done yet? where am I running?!" It took a while but I learned to embrace those runs, I could think, cry, get out all my frustrations, and even praise God.
Fast forward 2 years... I blew out my ACL a year ago, I'm signed up for a race this coming June; 5 miles and 15 obstacles. If you don't finish an obstacle you have to do 30 burpees to progress through the race which means I will be running 5 miles and doing 450 burpees.
What is a burpee?
http://www.spartancoaches.com/spartan-group-exercise-fitness-test.php
I also plan to try to run those half marathons again.
If you are a runner, you probably have drawn these conclusions on your own. If you are not a runner, this might be of some interest.
As I think about this training process for my upcoming race, I also have been reflecting on the last two years since I trained for a run.
There have been times when I have thought to myself "I'm tired"
As a woman, I want so much to be a proverbs 31 woman and I live in a modern world with mixed messages, I find myself feeling not good enough and it is a constant process to defeat those lies and embrace that I am perfectly and wonderfully made.
As a mom, I get tired of cleaning only to turn around and see a brand new mess courtesy of one my "helpers".
Having a child with special needs; I get tired of constantly dealing with the system that ultimately blesses her but everything you do to get tools for your child is a constant unrelenting process.
As a professional entering a career and coming out of college, I feel defeated by myself and frustrated at the learning process because I feel like I should already know what I need to know and yet I have a lot to learn.
Then... once in a while something comes along and makes it all worth it. Today I had an epiphany and it was my "worth it" moment.
At this point a couple of bible verses come to mind:
Hebrews 12:1 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
Psalm 30:5 - For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.
My training in running is exactly the same process I use in my life; endurance, perseverance, patience, a strong will, and leaning into my faith and knowing I don't have to have all the answers.
I stumble and I fall and I go off course and sometimes I cramp up but just as in real life running I make the choice to get up off the ground and I take the next step. I have to make sure I am prepared for my race everyday and when I am under-prepared I sure feel it!
When you are training for a race, you have to have lots of water, rest, protein, a balanced diet, electrolytes, good shoes, discipline, and a support system or training partner.
My ingredients for my life race are time in the word, rest, a well balanced routine, a sense of humor, mental preparedness for my day, discipline, and an awesome support system, and a great partner. When I'm tired and run down and the marathon before me seems endless, it's because I'm missing one of my tools.
How many times have you been through a season in your life when you felt like you were constantly trying and needed endurance, perseverance, patience, and a strong will? I have many of these areas, some are a lifelong marathon and some are ending with another life race on the horizon. Whether you are physically able to run 26.2 miles or not, you are in a marathon! Congratulations on your race!
The bible makes yet another reference to life as a marathon and says we are to finish well.
2 Timothy 4:7 says I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
I encourage you to read that whole chapter in context.
Keep running your race my friends :-)
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Thank You
I'm in an elated mood. It is surreal. I'm DONE!!!! I have the new recipient of a Bachelor's degree. I pulled a weekly all-nighter to make sure that my work got done for 4 years, I balanced my school and being a full time mom. I did it. I can enter into the workforce and follow my dreams. I am so fortunate because I have always known what I wanted to do and I get to do it! My heart didn't want to be an astronaut or something unattainable (although for the first 5 years I was pretty set on being Dolly Parton). I simply want to serve kids with disabilities for the next 30 years; it's doable and I am free to do it!
I didn't do this on my own though, in fact without the support of others I couldn't have made this happen. I want to take a minute to thank those people.
My husband - First and foremost, my husband deserves the most credit. He made it! He has survived many many outbursts and breakdowns and a lot of drama in the last few years. Every time I was discouraged or overwhelmed, he was there. He knows when to motive and encourage me and when to motivate me and say "fine, then quit" (knowing full well I won't quit), He gets up early but still says goodnight when I roll into bed at 3 or 4 every Sunday night. He is by default the responsible parent on his days off every Tuesday when I need to get hours in the classroom for school. And last but not least he was supportive and being a community property state, he shares my student loans. Thank You.
My Father In Law- He isn't here for me to thank, he was amazing. He was always there on short notice to take the kids while I went to class or did my practicum hours. He supported me and he took good care of the kids. Thank You.
My mom - Terry-Ann is the one who gives me advice. She is a sounding board when I need an older wiser academic opinion or if I really just need to emotionally purge. She listens patiently and tells me the truth. Thank You.
My Sisters - They motivate me and always stay positive. They're honest and truthful but always push me forward and keep me positive. Thank You.
My Aunt Terri - She prays me through it. Thank You.
My Nana - She always believed in me and was always on my side. She was my biggest fan. Thank You.
My whole family, best friends, and core group- You have been there for me each taking a turn with the kids, giving me words of encouragement, listening patiently when I need to vent, or proving some solace and friendship and filling me up so I could get back on task. Thank You.
My Family in Twin Falls - They opened their homes to me and 2 kids when I had to do my summer internship. It was the hardest emotional 8 weeks. Thank You.
My Mentor Teacher - One of the most patient kind people I know. Oh man, student teaching taught me so much and stretched my brain in crazy ways. I learned so much more than how to teach a class. I am not an organized or always on task, but I'm getting better. I have never managed staff or considered all the layers of the jobs, but she taught me and let me feel the weight of it in a safe place. The paraprofessionals in my room all gave me grace and kept a sense of humor while I learned how to orchestrate an entire special ed room. Thank you.
My Advisor and many nice professors- My advisor blessed my life. He answers emails at all hours of the day and night, he can't be phased by crisis, he's always constructive even when I'm ridiculous. My professors gave me grace. I had a hardship (not small hardships) almost every single semester I was in college, I lost track of everything that happened. I had an auto immune disease, had a baby, my baby had special needs, I lost 3 people over 3 semesters, and so much more. They gave me extra time, they gave me their time, they answered questions and talked me through various things. Those people all had a hand in my success. They all pushed me to keep being better. Thank You.
The teacher who really got me started - there was particular teacher who is so gifted in her craft. She took me under her wing 15 years ago, mentored me, and has always been supportive. Thank You.
Thank You all for this journey, thank you for helping me and being my village.
I didn't do this on my own though, in fact without the support of others I couldn't have made this happen. I want to take a minute to thank those people.
My husband - First and foremost, my husband deserves the most credit. He made it! He has survived many many outbursts and breakdowns and a lot of drama in the last few years. Every time I was discouraged or overwhelmed, he was there. He knows when to motive and encourage me and when to motivate me and say "fine, then quit" (knowing full well I won't quit), He gets up early but still says goodnight when I roll into bed at 3 or 4 every Sunday night. He is by default the responsible parent on his days off every Tuesday when I need to get hours in the classroom for school. And last but not least he was supportive and being a community property state, he shares my student loans. Thank You.
My Father In Law- He isn't here for me to thank, he was amazing. He was always there on short notice to take the kids while I went to class or did my practicum hours. He supported me and he took good care of the kids. Thank You.
My mom - Terry-Ann is the one who gives me advice. She is a sounding board when I need an older wiser academic opinion or if I really just need to emotionally purge. She listens patiently and tells me the truth. Thank You.
My Sisters - They motivate me and always stay positive. They're honest and truthful but always push me forward and keep me positive. Thank You.
My Aunt Terri - She prays me through it. Thank You.
My Nana - She always believed in me and was always on my side. She was my biggest fan. Thank You.
My whole family, best friends, and core group- You have been there for me each taking a turn with the kids, giving me words of encouragement, listening patiently when I need to vent, or proving some solace and friendship and filling me up so I could get back on task. Thank You.
My Family in Twin Falls - They opened their homes to me and 2 kids when I had to do my summer internship. It was the hardest emotional 8 weeks. Thank You.
My Mentor Teacher - One of the most patient kind people I know. Oh man, student teaching taught me so much and stretched my brain in crazy ways. I learned so much more than how to teach a class. I am not an organized or always on task, but I'm getting better. I have never managed staff or considered all the layers of the jobs, but she taught me and let me feel the weight of it in a safe place. The paraprofessionals in my room all gave me grace and kept a sense of humor while I learned how to orchestrate an entire special ed room. Thank you.
My Advisor and many nice professors- My advisor blessed my life. He answers emails at all hours of the day and night, he can't be phased by crisis, he's always constructive even when I'm ridiculous. My professors gave me grace. I had a hardship (not small hardships) almost every single semester I was in college, I lost track of everything that happened. I had an auto immune disease, had a baby, my baby had special needs, I lost 3 people over 3 semesters, and so much more. They gave me extra time, they gave me their time, they answered questions and talked me through various things. Those people all had a hand in my success. They all pushed me to keep being better. Thank You.
The teacher who really got me started - there was particular teacher who is so gifted in her craft. She took me under her wing 15 years ago, mentored me, and has always been supportive. Thank You.
Thank You all for this journey, thank you for helping me and being my village.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
CNN put out a call to parents of children affected by special needs... I responded
CNN asked parents of kids with special needs to share what it was like to be a parent of a child with special needs. Here is what I submitted to them-
I am the mother of 3 children; ages 7, 5, and 3. My youngest is a product of a failed vasectomy after 2 years! She’s our only girl, she is so full of joy and love; and at first glance you might not guess that she has worked very very hard for everything she is able to do. You may not see at first, the braces on her legs or the supportive garments she wears under her clothes (I call those her exoskeleton). My daughter’s name is Faith because of her miracle conception; her middle name is Isabella which means God is a promise. We didn’t know when we picked out her name that she would be born with very low muscle tone that would later be diagnosed as hypotonic cerebral palsy. I didn’t realize how much I would cling to her name and the meaning (Faith in God’s promises) as a beacon that would help me through some really hard days.
Being a parent to a child affected by special needs is wonderful and beautiful and special; it is also at times heart breaking, tiring, and maddening. Is it worth it? YES. Did I know what I was getting into? Nope. I thought I knew what I was in for; I had 14years of experience serving individuals affected by profound special needs before God saw fit to give us Faith. I knew from my life experience that my daughter was different, I knew I had to fight for her, and I knew that every intervention she could access would be key to her development and long-term quality of life. I did not know about or anticipate those early days when I could keep it all together in public but I was so worried and my heart would break every time I saw another baby who was Faith’s age and every month they did things she couldn’t do. I did not know about the unknowns that seem to grow with her; the more answers you get, the more questions that pop up. I didn't know about how no matter how many times we go through assessments, my heart cries when we get low scores. I did not know that parenting a child with special needs is like a world famous triathlon compared to parenting in general which I would compare to a marathon.
There are days when I’m tired and sometimes I get mad at the system (all the hoops we have to jump through) or the world in general for the lack of understanding. I don’t blame anyone for Faith’s disability; she had a stroke in utero; that is what cerebral palsy is. Some people know what caused their child’s disability, sometimes trauma, sometimes its genetics, sometimes it is an outside factor. Many of us don’t know what caused this and in Faith’s case, it appears that it was totally random and I would guess that it was around my 8th month of pregnancy because she used to run like a hamster at 1 in the morning. Then one day she stopped running, and I went in and got checked and everything looked ok but she didn’t run again until she was almost 3 years old. So I don’t blame anyone, I consider it a privilege but I also like to make a connection about a story I once read about having a child with a disability is like ending up in Holland instead of your dream vacation in France (look it up, it’s worth it). Anyway, just because you’re willing to go to Holland doesn’t mean that you don’t need to adjust and it isn’t sometimes hard when you end up in Holland and you were all set for France. "Holland" sure is beautiful though! There just aren't words for how I feel about my daughter. My heart soars when she meets a milestone, her smile lights my universe, and I would not change her for anything in the world. Her challenges give her a unique perspective.
I don’t really have any right to get med at the system, we happen to qualify for Medicaid and I can’t get mad at it because we are lucky to have it, it is a privilege that allows us to provide for Faith’s needs while I’m a full time student and working to make a better life for us. I don’t get mad at people who ask questions, I welcome questions and will MAKE time for you and make sure that you get all your questions answered. I believe in educating and empowering which doesn’t come from getting irritated with questions. I love questions, please ask and let your children ask me why my daughter wears funny shoes on her legs! I want to tell you! What hurts are comments like “she’s looks fine to me” and “are you sure?” SERIOUSLY?!?! Yes, I have a thick skin and yes, I had an adjustment period for that too and I learned through some of my mentors to look at what people intend, rather than what they say. Many times, people don’t know what to say but they feel like they have to say something and crazy stuff pops out and they don’t know how it makes my heart feel. I have learned to graciously say thank you and something like “yes, thank you, Faith has worked so hard and come so far, we can’t wait to see what her future holds”. I try to be honest with people, if something is too hurtful or just plain politically incorrect, I will gently but firmly speak up and provide an alternative word, phrase, whole education on the disabled population…. :-)
I want the same thing for my daughter that every parent of any child wants; I want to give her the tools to be the best she can be and I want her to grow up in a world that embraces her unique abilities, educates the ignorant, and empowers my daughter to be her own advocate. I don’t’ expect everyone to do this for me; after all education begins at home and rest assured, we do our share and will always provide for our daughter and stand behind her. I do expect people to be good, compassionate, and try to look beyond themselves and see that even though everyone is different and some appear to be able to do less; everyone has SOMEthing to contribute and everyone deserves the chance to contribute to our world in their own way.
My everyday life looks a lot like everyone else’s. We just happen to have therapy 3 times a week and a couple of supplemental unofficial therapies (gymnastics and horse therapy). We are mindful to give our boys things that are their own, they play baseball and one plays basketball and the other also plays hockey. People ask me how we do it all, here's the game plan: every morning I pray and I committ my day to the Lord, I say "God whatever you want me to get done today, I know I can do it with you." ...Somehow it all gets done :-) We tell the boys we are a team and we have to work together, their sister cheers for them no matter what they do and they are expected to do the same for her. She gets a lot of things that are a luxury for for most people but are essential to her (like a swimming pool, a swing, a pass to the aquarium) and we realize that our boys are just kids and they might not see the need. We make sure they are included; we spend one on one time with them and make sure they know that they are loved and valued. We just try to keep that attitude all around our family, everyone is loved, everyone is valued, and everyone has a hitch in their giddy-up somehow. We work together, we are patient, and it’s ok to sometimes feel mad, sad, jealous, and overjoyed- it’s all about what you do with it. We have made accommodations for the boys, no one should have to go to that much therapy for someone else or that many specialists and be expected to just sit there, the boys have kindles and it’s sort of a mutiny merit badge for them and all they do and tolerate. They love their sister and have learned how to answer their friends’ questions. They are a huge part of our hope for the future and Faith’s quality of life; our family knows a lot of people and in our actions and our words and our attitudes, we can live a life that shows that it is possible to love and appreciate different abilities.
I don’t know what my daughter’s future holds. I don’t know how much she will grow and develop before she hits that plateau and stays put, I don’t know if she will ever hit that plateau or if she will grow into a very typical adult who just happens to have memories of a lot of therapy and some orthotic devices along the way. I don’t always know what the best thing is for her and I’m thankful for the people who we have who are there for us along the way, no family affected by special needs makes it work all by themselves. We have a team of amazing therapists around us, specialists, friends, our family, our church, and God… remember, we have Faith in God’s promises. He never promised he would “fix it” or keep hardships away, but he does promise that we won’t walk alone and we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. God did not allow us to conceive a child two years after a vasectomy for no reason; we have faith in Faith!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Looks like we're staying in "Holland"
It's funny, it's been almost a year since I wrote my last blog and in that year we have come so far!!! ...but the subject matter is going to be the same. I feel like every family I have ever known who was affected by a disability only gave me a glimpse of this life no matter how well I thought I knew them. I have even lived with and taken care of children and it STILL didn't prepare me for this parenthood experience. I always thought "if I happen to have a child with special needs I will be just as thrilled and maybe even excited for the privilege and unique experience". Well, here I am and I feel like a big fat hypocrite. My mind tells me everything I have always believed and have been convicted of as true; it doesn't need to be "fixed", it should be embraced; it is a privilege; the only disability in life is ignorance. Every single belief I have ever held has been tested and continues to be stretched in new directions and my emotions and instinct completely contradict what I know to be true. No one tells you or could ever prepare you for the contradictory feelings that a mother experiences every time their child misses a milestone or tanks an assessment or sees progress but is then met with the progress of a same-age peer. I have heard all of the reassurances, we have wonderful support and very well meaning friends and family. Sometimes they help and sometimes you just have to appreciate their intent and love behind what they say.
So what's different now? Nothing is different just more knowledge and more to adjust to. Why do I choose to share this? It helps to write it out and if it helps one other mom who is scouring the internet looking for answers or comfort then it will have been worth it. There is power in connecting with another mom who "gets it". the people in your life who "get it" are treasures, they are precious and there is no amount of love or words that can be expressed in return to measure how it feels to be understood.
When I last wrote I shared a piece about a metaphor about traveling and being surprised by the destination. it just isn't what you were prepared for and even if you're willing to go to Holland, if you were planning on Italy then you will be surprised and you will need to time adjust. I have news, the adjustment is ongoing and there are continuous surprises. I think that Holland (at least for our purposes) must be a very unexpected place with new things around every corner. In the spring of 2013 we won the hard fought battle to get some sort of diagnosis which helped us in many way, the best is that our insurance actually started to help out with her costs because they didn't cover developmental delays. This spring (2014), Faith went through transition testing. This is the first round of testing that might be the first of a long line of assessments that you will have to take in stride and keep in context. These assessments are the first to say "after all of your early intervention and hard work you still need more tools" or "well done, you did it you learned the tools you will need to make it on your own for now". These tests are the first that will determine if your child qualifies for their first experience with special education, in our state we only offer preschool if the child qualifies for special education, those kids get to go to public preschool.
Here's a crash course in special ed qualification (I'm pretty qualified to tell you this because I'm getting ready to graduate with this exact degree!) Every child develops at their own rate but most form a pretty consistent chunk that we call "normal". To qualify for special education you get testing in all sorts of areas; cognitive, speech, motor, behavior, etc. For a child to need special education they must demonstrate enough of a variation to affect their ability to learn and benefit from a classroom setting, we call these variations deviations. Children in special education have (at minimum) 1.5 deviations in two areas or 2.0 standard deviations in 1 area. There are some nuts and bolts that complicate things but this is the basic formula for your purposes. Now, a deviation is a BIG gap, there is a whole lot of variation within the "normal" range. Kids who are 1.5-2 deviations from the norm are in the 2-6% for development in the area that has been tested compared to their peers. So if you took 100 kids and gave them all the same test which at this age consists of a play date with some block stacking and shape sorting and colors and some ability to demonstrate understanding to what is being asked, if you took all those kids, the last 6 ones MIGHT need extra tools and definitely will receive more follow up and the last 2 definitely get more tools (special education).
We just went through 3 different assessments, speech which measures expressive and receptive language skills, cognitive, and motor skills. Faith has 1.5 standard deviations in motor skills, 1.5 - 2 standard deviations in speech, and 2.4 standard deviations in the cognitive assessment. So, the good news is that she definitely qualifies for preschool. She would have qualified on speech or cognitive alone.... So where does that leave us? It means we're still in Holland and I'm not sure we get to leave. I actually was surprised by one of these test results and we are still adjusting to the idea of it. Honestly it seems like as a parent of any child and especially as a parent if an interesting child you never stop being surprised. I have a couple of ladies who have been fantastic sources of support and they tell me that the unknowns don't really stop but you get used to having the unknowns and you can kind of adjust better to it all over time. You get better at being surprised and a sense of humor helps :-) Sometimes when I just say the facts out loud it feels like I'm speaking a foreign language, it feels like it doesn't fit and it feels like it doesn't make sense. But most days we have our own "normal" and we just take one day at a time, we just keep our eyes on the Lord and let him him drive this crazy bus since he knows where we're headed. We celebrate our victories just like any family and we try to keep things balanced, we do have 2 other children who are also wonderful and they deserve as much attention as their sister.
Life sure is funny sometimes and sometimes it seems like a really crazy ride but overall I wouldn't choose anything else. God doesn't give me anything I can't handle WITH HIM and in a lot of ways I feel like our interesting bits are an opportunity to reach out and connect with others.
So what's different now? Nothing is different just more knowledge and more to adjust to. Why do I choose to share this? It helps to write it out and if it helps one other mom who is scouring the internet looking for answers or comfort then it will have been worth it. There is power in connecting with another mom who "gets it". the people in your life who "get it" are treasures, they are precious and there is no amount of love or words that can be expressed in return to measure how it feels to be understood.
When I last wrote I shared a piece about a metaphor about traveling and being surprised by the destination. it just isn't what you were prepared for and even if you're willing to go to Holland, if you were planning on Italy then you will be surprised and you will need to time adjust. I have news, the adjustment is ongoing and there are continuous surprises. I think that Holland (at least for our purposes) must be a very unexpected place with new things around every corner. In the spring of 2013 we won the hard fought battle to get some sort of diagnosis which helped us in many way, the best is that our insurance actually started to help out with her costs because they didn't cover developmental delays. This spring (2014), Faith went through transition testing. This is the first round of testing that might be the first of a long line of assessments that you will have to take in stride and keep in context. These assessments are the first to say "after all of your early intervention and hard work you still need more tools" or "well done, you did it you learned the tools you will need to make it on your own for now". These tests are the first that will determine if your child qualifies for their first experience with special education, in our state we only offer preschool if the child qualifies for special education, those kids get to go to public preschool.
Here's a crash course in special ed qualification (I'm pretty qualified to tell you this because I'm getting ready to graduate with this exact degree!) Every child develops at their own rate but most form a pretty consistent chunk that we call "normal". To qualify for special education you get testing in all sorts of areas; cognitive, speech, motor, behavior, etc. For a child to need special education they must demonstrate enough of a variation to affect their ability to learn and benefit from a classroom setting, we call these variations deviations. Children in special education have (at minimum) 1.5 deviations in two areas or 2.0 standard deviations in 1 area. There are some nuts and bolts that complicate things but this is the basic formula for your purposes. Now, a deviation is a BIG gap, there is a whole lot of variation within the "normal" range. Kids who are 1.5-2 deviations from the norm are in the 2-6% for development in the area that has been tested compared to their peers. So if you took 100 kids and gave them all the same test which at this age consists of a play date with some block stacking and shape sorting and colors and some ability to demonstrate understanding to what is being asked, if you took all those kids, the last 6 ones MIGHT need extra tools and definitely will receive more follow up and the last 2 definitely get more tools (special education).
We just went through 3 different assessments, speech which measures expressive and receptive language skills, cognitive, and motor skills. Faith has 1.5 standard deviations in motor skills, 1.5 - 2 standard deviations in speech, and 2.4 standard deviations in the cognitive assessment. So, the good news is that she definitely qualifies for preschool. She would have qualified on speech or cognitive alone.... So where does that leave us? It means we're still in Holland and I'm not sure we get to leave. I actually was surprised by one of these test results and we are still adjusting to the idea of it. Honestly it seems like as a parent of any child and especially as a parent if an interesting child you never stop being surprised. I have a couple of ladies who have been fantastic sources of support and they tell me that the unknowns don't really stop but you get used to having the unknowns and you can kind of adjust better to it all over time. You get better at being surprised and a sense of humor helps :-) Sometimes when I just say the facts out loud it feels like I'm speaking a foreign language, it feels like it doesn't fit and it feels like it doesn't make sense. But most days we have our own "normal" and we just take one day at a time, we just keep our eyes on the Lord and let him him drive this crazy bus since he knows where we're headed. We celebrate our victories just like any family and we try to keep things balanced, we do have 2 other children who are also wonderful and they deserve as much attention as their sister.
Life sure is funny sometimes and sometimes it seems like a really crazy ride but overall I wouldn't choose anything else. God doesn't give me anything I can't handle WITH HIM and in a lot of ways I feel like our interesting bits are an opportunity to reach out and connect with others.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
our own trip to Holland
Today I was startled by an overwhelming out pour of sympathy. I for the first time ever posted publicly about my daughter's diagnosis. I was surprised by the reaction and it took a while to digest it actually. I was appreciative for the support and not wanting to be disrespectful toward those who obviously care about us but it never occurred to me to feel sorry or that others might feel sorry for us. We have been living with a different normal for almost 2 years, this diagnosis wasn't a surprise but a blessing. Knowing what is affecting our lives gives us the tools to serve her better, it's covered by insurance where as the term "developmental delay" is not covered. Faith has hypotonic cerebral palsy. She is beautiful and wonderful the way she is, she doesn't need to be fixed. There was a time when she was brand new when I grieved the lost plans I had for her. Occasionally I still feel a sting when we encounter a new hurdle or when those days at the doctors get really long. I'm not sad about our daughter's extra needs, as a mom I see extra hardship for her and at times I am pained for her in those times but overall I feel blessed. As an advocate I feel excited to have been trusted with such a precious gift. Faith doesn't need sympathy; she needs to be embraced and empowered. Thank you for those who care and who maybe don't know what to say, above all thank you. Please use us as an opportunity to learn if you haven't been close to a family with special needs. Please know that we have our ups and downs and so far more ups than downs and we want to celebrate and share all we have been blessed with.
Faith's developmental therapist recommended an essay written back in 1987. I felt like it is an accurate and well written piece.
Welcome to Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to imagine how it would feel.
It is like this...
When you're going to have a baby, it is like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The Gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It is all very exciting.
After months of anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bag and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, 'Welcome to Holland'. 'Holland? ' you say. 'What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! ! ! I am supposed to be in Italy. All my life I have dreamed of going to Italy! '.
But there has been a change in flight plan, they have landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they have not taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It is just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met before. It is just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy. It's less flashy than Italy. But after you have been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, and Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy and they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, 'Yes, that is where I was supposed to go, That's where I had planned'.
And the pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss, but if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
It is like this...
When you're going to have a baby, it is like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The Gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It is all very exciting.
After months of anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bag and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, 'Welcome to Holland'. 'Holland? ' you say. 'What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! ! ! I am supposed to be in Italy. All my life I have dreamed of going to Italy! '.
But there has been a change in flight plan, they have landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they have not taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It is just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met before. It is just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy. It's less flashy than Italy. But after you have been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, and Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy and they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, 'Yes, that is where I was supposed to go, That's where I had planned'.
And the pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss, but if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
confessions of a wannabe runner- part 1
"Why would I run more than a mile? What could possibly want to chase me more than a mile?"
...famous last words HAHAHA
There are a lot of worthy causes all over the world including ones in our own country but for some reason this fell near to my heart. It was a big step of faith for me to commit to this both physically and financially but the more I thought and prayed the more sure I was. In the bigger picture I'm just another runner who might raise a little bit of money which will bless people and take care of some needs. In my life though, this is a big journey.
Amazing things have happened since I started running and working for this goal. I saw a rheumatologist who didn't have any answers for me but she did put me on some meds that are mild and supposed to help with nerve pain. Praise God, they're working! Slowly I started running, I skipped my big mental 1 mile obstacle and went straight into 2 mile runs. I discovered an amazing thing in the process; when I run I don't think about anything, it is simple quiet time to listen to God. For the first time in my entire ADHD life my brain is quiet. If I am stressed out or in need of an attitude adjustment I find refreshing peace when I run. Who needs to be chased? I can run from myself for miles and then come back ready to face life with a better attitude.
I have seen physical provision, mental provision, and even financial provision ( I won a certificate that pays my racing fees for one of the races). When I get discouraged I think about the kids in India and everything I saw in various videos and heard from various testimonies. I complain because my body hurts but my biggest challenge is NOTHING compared to what these people (many of them are kids) face just to survive from day to day. To be able to be a part of helping to give them the luxury of a clean place to live and life sustaining medicine and food and school.... it keeps me going when I want to stop. As I conquer longer distances and figure out that it takes me about 2 miles (sometimes more) to get warmed up, I need that motivation because those first couple of miles are TOUGH!
SO.... How does this benefit the India outreaches?
sponsorship.
Would you be willing to help our cause? Would you pay even $10 to see a notorious non runner book it over 52 miles? No matter what your reason might be, your sponsorship goes a long way in helping this cause. If I have your address you can expect a letter from me in mid-late august. I will be sending out letters with little cards enclosed and postage paid return envelopes. I would rather that someone throw it away than to give for the wrong reasons (guilt, pressure, insert any negative feeling here) but if you do feel led to give it would be a huge blessing! I pay my own race fees and expenses like shoes and accessories and everything else is donated; 100% of our contributions go to India.
If I don't have your address or if you're just really excited like I am to get involved then you can click the following link to sponsor me directly online. http://www.chapelmissions.org/where-we-work/india/getting-word-out/run-4-heavens-gate/2012/kristi-young
This blog is part 1 of at least a 2 part series. I am excited to see how God will work in this journey and I can't wait to share it!
Here is the video that started it all....
...famous last words HAHAHA
These are MY famous last words. I really do not run and have never wanted to run and never understood why someone would run. What would chase me that far? If I'm not being chased then why am I running?! About 3 years ago I decided that all the runners I knew/saw were skinny. I decided that it didn't look too hard (forgetting all my years of torture in P.E.) and than I too could be skinny through running. I quickly remembered my years of mile runs through my school year and I decided that NOTHING was worth running from for more than a mile. Goodbye running.
Fast forward to spring 2012...
I was sitting in church one day and they played a video to promote Run for Heaven's Gate which is a series of 4 half marathons in 4 weeks. I had seen the videos before and I know a few people who have run for this precious cause. The thought of it always flew out of my mind as quickly as it was introduced. Last year I actually considered getting involved somehow but with a new baby and a busy schedule I dismissed the idea. So why this year as I sat in church watching this video would I feel so compelled to actually run a total of 52.4 miles in 4 weeks? Perhaps I finally reached a breaking point after a very rough year. Maybe I have been searching for some way to get involved in our church's India missions. Maybe I've gone completely crazy. There is definitely a God factor at work here. The more I thought about it, the more I needed to do this. I started out with 2 reasons in mind; the first is selfish- 2 years into my battle with a still unknown auto-immune issue I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it and take back my body. The second reason is much less selfish; Heaven's Gate.
Heaven's Gate is an outreach in India. It is one of many outreaches that my church started to spread God's love and offer any support that they could in a rough place. This particular outreach is a haven for people who have HIV/AIDS. Medicine and care are hard to come by in this region even for people in good health. People who have HIV or AIDS are shunned and their lives are pretty bleak. Heaven's Gate offers food, shelter, medicine, education, and best of all; love.
Amazing things have happened since I started running and working for this goal. I saw a rheumatologist who didn't have any answers for me but she did put me on some meds that are mild and supposed to help with nerve pain. Praise God, they're working! Slowly I started running, I skipped my big mental 1 mile obstacle and went straight into 2 mile runs. I discovered an amazing thing in the process; when I run I don't think about anything, it is simple quiet time to listen to God. For the first time in my entire ADHD life my brain is quiet. If I am stressed out or in need of an attitude adjustment I find refreshing peace when I run. Who needs to be chased? I can run from myself for miles and then come back ready to face life with a better attitude.
I have seen physical provision, mental provision, and even financial provision ( I won a certificate that pays my racing fees for one of the races). When I get discouraged I think about the kids in India and everything I saw in various videos and heard from various testimonies. I complain because my body hurts but my biggest challenge is NOTHING compared to what these people (many of them are kids) face just to survive from day to day. To be able to be a part of helping to give them the luxury of a clean place to live and life sustaining medicine and food and school.... it keeps me going when I want to stop. As I conquer longer distances and figure out that it takes me about 2 miles (sometimes more) to get warmed up, I need that motivation because those first couple of miles are TOUGH!
SO.... How does this benefit the India outreaches?
sponsorship.
Would you be willing to help our cause? Would you pay even $10 to see a notorious non runner book it over 52 miles? No matter what your reason might be, your sponsorship goes a long way in helping this cause. If I have your address you can expect a letter from me in mid-late august. I will be sending out letters with little cards enclosed and postage paid return envelopes. I would rather that someone throw it away than to give for the wrong reasons (guilt, pressure, insert any negative feeling here) but if you do feel led to give it would be a huge blessing! I pay my own race fees and expenses like shoes and accessories and everything else is donated; 100% of our contributions go to India.
If I don't have your address or if you're just really excited like I am to get involved then you can click the following link to sponsor me directly online. http://www.chapelmissions.org/where-we-work/india/getting-word-out/run-4-heavens-gate/2012/kristi-young
This blog is part 1 of at least a 2 part series. I am excited to see how God will work in this journey and I can't wait to share it!
Here is the video that started it all....
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
My old favorite sport madeover
Who loves to shop? I mean really shop; the smell of the mall, the competition of a good sale, the thrill of the hunt... that feeling you get when you're done? It truly is a high. My favorite event of the year (minus birthdays and holidays) is the super bowl of all shopping days- Black Friday :-) We have maps, plans, coupons, ads, lists, face paint..... Ahhhhh I LOVE IT!!! I recently had a cementing experience that wasn't too unlike a training event for the biggest shopping day of the year.
I live on a meager budget and I have thought of couponning in the past and even tried it once and did very well but I simply didn't have the resources to start up and I had no clue where to start. It was an overwhelming thought altogether. I have since heard a lot of people express the same feelings toward coupons. How? When? what? SO many questions!!! I have been there.
I guess the first thing I should clear up is expectations and quantity. You will have as much as you want or can invest. I do not currently and do not plan to have a giant stockpile that contains 200 tubes of toothpaste and other similar stereo types. Some people have that but I'm not one of them so if you want to become a hoarder of toiletries then I may not be a good resource because I have no grasp on the magnitude of of an endeavor like that. BUT if you want to learn about realistic ways to start saving money on things you already use then perhaps you could benefit from what I have learned so far.
Someone gave me a hand. I wouldn't have gotten such a good start if I didn't have some help. I actually won a shopping trip with a professional couponner. She's a sweet gal named Becky and she writes for the coupon website FabulesslyFrugal.com . She took me shopping one night as a subject for her own blog which you can read... HERE. I got to pick her brain and lean how to make connections like using rite rewards points at Rite Aid in multiple transactions. We went Easter basket shopping and I did get a little side tracked in the cleaning isle but I found some greats deals! to learn more about the multiple transactions please read Becky's blog. I haven't attempted it on my own and I can't speak reliably about it.
My second independent shopping experience was the following Tuesday in the middle of the night. I had quite a few doublers from Albertson's and they expire on Tuesdays. I went to Walmart with a mission and I found black Friday training and 60% savings. The line was crazy but it was an awesome opportunity to talk to other gals who were all there for the same reason. It gave me a chance to learn about binder organization. Becky was a huge help and the gals in line really helped me to fill in the blanks and see a variety of styles and preferences.
So where do you start?
I live on a meager budget and I have thought of couponning in the past and even tried it once and did very well but I simply didn't have the resources to start up and I had no clue where to start. It was an overwhelming thought altogether. I have since heard a lot of people express the same feelings toward coupons. How? When? what? SO many questions!!! I have been there.
I guess the first thing I should clear up is expectations and quantity. You will have as much as you want or can invest. I do not currently and do not plan to have a giant stockpile that contains 200 tubes of toothpaste and other similar stereo types. Some people have that but I'm not one of them so if you want to become a hoarder of toiletries then I may not be a good resource because I have no grasp on the magnitude of of an endeavor like that. BUT if you want to learn about realistic ways to start saving money on things you already use then perhaps you could benefit from what I have learned so far.
Someone gave me a hand. I wouldn't have gotten such a good start if I didn't have some help. I actually won a shopping trip with a professional couponner. She's a sweet gal named Becky and she writes for the coupon website FabulesslyFrugal.com . She took me shopping one night as a subject for her own blog which you can read... HERE. I got to pick her brain and lean how to make connections like using rite rewards points at Rite Aid in multiple transactions. We went Easter basket shopping and I did get a little side tracked in the cleaning isle but I found some greats deals! to learn more about the multiple transactions please read Becky's blog. I haven't attempted it on my own and I can't speak reliably about it.
My second independent shopping experience was the following Tuesday in the middle of the night. I had quite a few doublers from Albertson's and they expire on Tuesdays. I went to Walmart with a mission and I found black Friday training and 60% savings. The line was crazy but it was an awesome opportunity to talk to other gals who were all there for the same reason. It gave me a chance to learn about binder organization. Becky was a huge help and the gals in line really helped me to fill in the blanks and see a variety of styles and preferences.
So where do you start?
- Get multiple newspaper subscriptions- you won't use them all but you will be thankful when you find a good deal.
- figure out a system - I'm going to help you
I found a deal with the Idaho Statesman where I get 1 paper everyday and an additional 4 papers on Sundays. This is actually cheaper than just buying 5 Sunday paper subscriptions. I paid $58 for this service and I have already paid for it in savings from coupons.
About your binder.... There are so many ways to do this!!! I took the best of what I saw from about 20 samples and I made something that fits my own needs. You should do the same.
I started with a little filing notebook thing that I put my inserts in and a pair of scissors. After my first shopping trip it looked like this
I started with a little filing notebook thing that I put my inserts in and a pair of scissors. After my first shopping trip it looked like this
 |
| Ridiculous! |
I needed a better system. I had it all organised but when I had to resort to plan B, C, and D it all went out the window.
FIRST- I found an old school binder- I will get a fancy tricked out one when the back to school sales start-
I got some page protectors from Ebay (Thanks Becky) and some dividers.
I started with the dividers. I did one for store specific coupons and loose coupons (like you clip off the box). one for printables, and the rest organised by date (oldest first).
I printed lists off of fabulously frugal which gives me the name, value, and expiration of the coupons from each insert.
I decided to cut out at least 1 of each coupon because I'm not opposed to trying new things and if I find a great deal then I will be prepared. The only exception I found was cat food and menopause products. I just will not be needing those. After some trial and error I found it easiest just to lay them out in order of the list before I cut out the others from the same inserts. That way I can see which ones I want multiples of.
Then after I was sure I had all I wanted from that batch of inserts I filed that mess and recycled the rest
My goal is to be able to look at ads and pull the coupons I want quickly and if I run into plan B, C, D, E, and F then it will be a clean process and a lot easier to find. less hassle in the store for me to cut them ahead of time. If you don't want to do the prep work then you could simply put the inserts into a sheet protector and file the list ahead of it so you know what is in each insert. I filed 3 weeks worth of inserts at 5 newspapers a week. I estimate that in the future this will probably take me an hour or less per week.
My finished binder looks like this:
Much better!!!
When you shop, take a list of the deals you found. You can copy and paste off of a site like Fabulously Frugal or you could write it yourself, also keep in mind things you use a lot (like dish soap). You will find yourself noticing the prices around you and remembering your coupons. This is good! set a "most price" for yourself. for example I HATE to pay more than $0.50 for deodorant and $2 for body wash. If somethings you see matches your price or less then you've scored.
On my midnight shopping run I scored $65 worth of stuff for $22! I got 10 pack of gum for free and if I'd been anywhere besides Walmart it would have been a 4 cent money maker. Those Hot-wheels cars were 50 cents a piece. The dish soap was 97 cents. Not bad huh?
I'm still learning so much and I'm definitely not an expert but this is what I know so far. Hope it helps!
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