Tuesday, October 4, 2011

If I hear that one more time...

Ok people, thank you so much for the support in this last week and a half. I need to just say thank you so much for your tolerance and your love while I lost my head and tried to figure out life with a chunk of myself missing. I know I haven't been myself and I wish I could tell you that I'm back to normal. But I'm not. I was listening to one of my favorite songs yesterday and I just wasn't feeling it. In fact I didn't even relate to it anymore and it seriously was one of my favorite songs. No, it wasn't Dolly; I'm not THAT far gone. Anyway it got me to thinking about how I was different. Like it or not I am different. I think half of grieving is trying to accept the fact that you will never be the same and the sooner you figure out that you're different the better off you will be and the sooner you can figure other stuff out. It's like when someone you love dies you get shattered into a million pieces. Grieving is how you pick up the pieces and when you realize that you don't have all the pieces you realize that you are different and you have to figure out how to put all the pieces together and you don't know how you will turn out but you won't be the same.

Anyway, all that said I need to say something else. I know that people are trying to help when they say things like "Drew can be normal now" and "he's running with Jesus" and "he can finally talk and walk". Thank you for your kind intentions but I need to tell you the truth. You are not helping and in fact, your words hurt. It is only a small comfort knowing that he's in heaven. As time goes on I'm sure it will be a bigger comfort but you need to understand that a huge piece of me is dead. Drew was always there and I thought he would always be there. He helped to shape me into the person I am today and now he's gone. With the help of my wonderful husband I am just beginning to wrap my mind around the fact that life is going to go on but it is so hard to hear the phrases I mentioned.
Here's why:
Because the one thing in the world that Drew wanted was acceptance and just to love and be loved. He was happy! He was not tortured, he was not unhappy, he didn't mind who he was. I asked him, we talked. And before you dismiss me let me share something with you. Drew and I had an understanding, we communicated in a way. He was happy just the way he was and I saw his will to live a few times when he shouldn't have pulled through. Now, obviously Drew was ready to move on. He prepared me in ways that I didn't realize until after he was gone and he slipped away peacefully. People never did give that boy enough credit....
Anyway when people say things like "now he can be normal" it tells me that you still just don't get it. You still view him as the poor kid who was trapped inside a body that didn't work. Like I said, I appreciate the intention behind your remarks but to me it says that even in death Drew isn't getting acceptance for who he was. The beautiful thing in all of this that I am reminded of is that Drew didn't even care. He loved whoever he was with and lived in the moment. Sure, people hurt his feelings and I saw it in his eyes when he understood that he was being excluded but in the next breath he was just happy to be with you in that moment. He forgave so easily and whether you saw him yesterday or a year ago he was so happy just to see you and be with you. Does that sound like someone who was tortured and trapped in their body? Or... does it sound like someone who loved life and made the very best out of what he had?
Do you believe he really was in there? It's not really my problem if you don't because I know that he was and I know it's the truth. Did you know in the last year he showed marked improvement in his communication? He was able to continue going to developmental therapy because medicaid could prove that he had shown charted improvement. I'm so proud of that for him. So please realize before you speak (even with good will) that your remarks are not always comforting and in fact can be frustrating because I see that he still is not accepted for who he was the way he way. Yes, I know and believe that in heaven he is fully functional but I don't think it matters whether he has a heavenly body or an earthly body; he has and always will be a WHOLE, pure, beautiful, happy soul.

I heard from a counselor to take to heart people's intentions rather than their words and for your good intentions no matter who you are or what you have said I am truly grateful.

No comments:

Post a Comment